Animal Spaces: New Issues for Environmentalists to Worry About

Many people labor under the impression that conservatives like me are indifferent to the health of the environment. Nothing could be further from the truth. I try to do my share of the heavy lifting.

Environmentalists are sounding the alarm every day still about global warming and the attendant destruction in the animal kingdom. Yet, polar bears are multiplying obscenely. The bears go about their monkey business pretending they don’t have to hunt 24/7 the quickly vanishing seals that are their main diet. The seals anxiously wait for the relief a couple of F degrees will provide.

Environmentalists also lament the hundreds of species unknown to anyone that disappear every month.In the recent past, some would even have claimed that humans, with their diabolical stone-tipped arrows, caused the disappearance of the sauropods. Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and the ad was never aired.

In the meantime, no one is paying much attention to the high level of dissatisfaction (and rising) in familiar animal species. Lately, this simple idea has been dogging my mind: Many kinds of animals need more comfortable or more appropriate places to do their thing (its thing). I hope my old-fashioned thinking in this connection does not make me sound like a dinosaur.

First of all, birds look forward to venues where they can flip one another without interference.

Cattle want good space outside of ordinary stables where they can bullshit in peace.

And, by the way, the bull walks around muttering that it’s up to the china shop owner to do something, finally.

Speaking of which, elephants demand windowed showrooms where they will be noticed, at last.

The giraffes simply request a little more headroom, as you might expect.

Brown bears and black bears wish to spend more time lifting the elbow in comfortable Wall Street bars and less time chasing bulls out in the open.

Cats need shelter when it rains dogs and dogs when it rains cats. A common shelter for when it rains cats and dogs would be nice. It’s going to be difficult to arrange but it does not mean we shouldn’t try. The precautionary principle demands it.

The ads on TV finally got to the four-hundred pound gorilla. He gave up sodas and he is now at the gym on the elliptical every morning at 7 am sharp.

The porker is going clean; he refuses to live any longer in a pigsty.

The sheep and the goat want to be separated, at last. Each group want its own stable. The housing for the goats has to be a little taller because of the horns.

The snake in the grass is getting tired of being wet most of the time. He has a good claim to dry quarters, it would seem.

The blue-footed booby keeps complaining that men don’t look her in the eye, that they stare at her feet instead. She aspires to the occasional refuge from their degrading stares.

In the end, there are only two animals I can think of that seem fairly satisfied, space-wise.

First, the beaver is content to mind its own business in its lodge as long as it’s not overly stimulated.

Second, the fox adamantly refuses to leave the chicken-coop under any circumstance.

What do you think? I hope this view is going to worm its way into your environmentally conscious minds. I hope so, because this simple animal plan has been like an albatross around my neck for a while now.

I can hear some of you snickering: It’s for the birds, you say.


My contribution ends here.

Friends: Add if you wish to this deep philosophical  zoossay. Watch you: if you exceed me in crudeness, I will censor your contribution.


About Jacques Delacroix

I am a sociologist, a short-story writer, and a blogger (Facts Matter and Notes On Liberty) in Santa Cruz, California.
This entry was posted in Short Stories. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Animal Spaces: New Issues for Environmentalists to Worry About

  1. Thomas H. says:

    … as close to an Orwellian commentary as I have seen in a while. A good column on this day.

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