Conjugal Relations

My wife and I are discussing our investments. We don’t have investments because we belong to the hated 1% – wish we did – but because neither of us has a pension. She is annoyed because she does not understand some arcane point of finance.

Promise me you will die after me she blurts out. (She does not want to learn new, boring stuff.)

I don’t think so, I say, without missing a beat.

Selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, sexually ambivalent bastard, she throws out across the kitchen table!

The last charge holds no truth at all. I am a straightforward crude T and A guy. She is just doing her best to make me feel the horror of her hatred for me at that moment.

Yes, I know, men and women are almost exactly the same. That’s except when they are not. Would I ever think of calling her the same?

How about that coffee you promised me, I ask innocently?

I won’t prepare it because you refuse to promise that you will die even one second after me and you can put the coffee up your… (Note the illogicality.)

If you keep using this rude language, I threaten, I will put it on my blog.

You wouldn’t dare, she exclaims.



About Jacques Delacroix

I write short stories, current events comments, and sociopolitical essays, mostly in English, some in French. There are other people with the same first name and same last name on the Internet. I am the one who put up on Amazon in 2014: "I Used to Be French: an Immature Autobiography" and also: "Les pumas de grande-banlieue." To my knowledge, I am the only Jacques Delacroix with American and English scholarly publications. In a previous life, I was a teacher and a scholar in Organizational Theory and in the Sociology of Economic Development. (Go ahead, Google me!) I live in the People’s Green Socialist Republic of Santa Cruz, California.
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6 Responses to Conjugal Relations

  1. Martin Anding says:

    I thought the hated 1% HAD INVESTMENTS. Glad to hear your in the 1% but how did you manage it without investments? Am I reading it wrong?

  2. Nick says:

    do i dare leave a comment? I think so! tomorrow is going to be rainy. also leave when you are ready and at peace. money cant buy you love. socialism bad and snakes are the tools of the devil.(free advice!)

  3. Martin: We have investments and we are not, NOT, in the 1% but I wish we were. I would gladly take the manufactured hatred based on abysmally bad understanding of percentages!

  4. NIck is a painter and a talented poet but only in the evening. He is always OK in the morning.

    • Nick says:

      damn straight. also upon further reading; perhaps you should tell her you wish to die in her arms. you might get some supposed points. have a good one!

  5. Nick: Women don’t necessarily want to win an argument. If you concede immediately and quietly, they are at a loss. They want fiercely to be entertained.

    I know for a fact I have female readers. I would be astonished if a single one contradicted this crude generalization.

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